If we continue to wait until the exact right moment we may miss the opportunity all together. I guess I just have to leap in, jump head first into this life without the fear of losing and failing.

Then I have this list ... this list ... unachievable ... hopeful ... this list

I want to be perfect ... this is very frustrating to me ... I long to be:

• The mom Grindle saw in the lobby ...
where she wiped the wheels of the stroller before entering
the hospital
• Slim like I was before
• Longer hair ... natural and beautiful
• A loving and supportive wife that keeps the home tidy
and cooks great meals, and bakes yummy things for her family
• An artist that actually makes money
• A woman with perfect clothing ... loose, natural, neutral, soft, clean
• Simple make up everyday ... just to look pretty
• A mommy to envy
• I want time to do everything perfectly ...
• I want to be patient all the time ... calm and collected
• Organized and orderly
• A little spontaneous
• Organic
• Yoga practicing
• Playful
• Easy-going

Can I achieve all of this?

The funny thing is ... I am close to achieving some of these things ... but yet so so so far away it makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide away forever in its soft darkness. This way I can keep up the illusions.